The Wall

Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

Walter Anderson

October 2000

I locked myself up in a hotel room in Vientenne in Loas for three straight days, only briefly escaping three times a day to get meals at a roadside food stall 100m down the road. Though my book Shogun was very enthralling that was not the reason I stayed in my room. Each time I left I would avoid eye contact with other foreigners in the hotel foyer, order my food at the food stall avoiding eye contact with other passing tourists and locals alike.

Why? I’d reached what can only be described as “travel burnout”, “Hit the wall”, “desensitized”, emotionally tired “verreist” is a great Dutch word for it( and I probably spelled it wrong..). I no longer wanted the same “Where are you going?” “Where have you been?” discussions with tourists, was tired from bone shaking bus/ truck journeys on bad roads, had seen enough temples, wats and waterfalls to last a life time and became suspicious of all locals who wanted to talk to me because most had an ulterior motive and that was the invisible dollar sign above me head. Three days later my book was finished and I was recovered enough to continue but the end was near.

September 2012

Well you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to know where this post is going :). My apologies if this post rambles on a little, and my apologies to other cyclists if this post ruins your trip…..be warned!

My recent break in Nkhata bay brought me back from the brink of the downhill slope to mental issues, though I didn’t stay quite as long as I really needed, the conversations with the backpackers where getting tedious.

Unfortunately of my first two weeks in Tanzania I only cycled three days the rest where spent in Mbinga and Songea hotel rooms fighting off a cold, chest infection and a mysterious bug that found my guts a great place to hang out.

I’m not a great advocate of making big life changing decisions whilst ill and feeling pathetic in a $10 room but sometimes this is the only time you can be honest with yourself. Only in such a state have the outer layers of the onion been peeled so to speak. After already being sick for a week with a cold and chest issues I cycled the 80km to Songea hoping for more big town facilities and better internet to pass my time in the recovery process, only to get another bug a day later. Already not 100% the ensuing 24 hours of puking, shitting and retching brought me to the depth of my soul. Peeling off the adventurer, dreamer, blogger, man and ego. Only then could I see the truth.

The facts

Your average adventure cyclist will do a 2-4 week trip each year plus some weekends. This means in the last eleven months I’ve done about 10 years of “normal” cycle touring.

The fact that I’m cycling in Africa is not relevant, you can make Africa as easy or hard as you want, there are plenty of other places in the world which are harder.

I prefer to cycle alone and intend to continue to do that, but its only after eleven months on the road that I’m starting to realize the long term effects of relative social isolation. Solo touring is mentally harder than I expected in the long run. It is harder than most solo cyclists realise or would like to admit to themselves or the outside world.

I knew travel burnout could happen at some point and tried my best to prevent it with regular long breaks and activities other than cycling. This certainly has prevented me getting too physically tired but the mind just isn’t resting enough.

Cycling touring/ adventure has become a lifestyle choice for me so I really really don’t want to get burned out in one trip.

My mind is full or even overloaded with views, impressions and experiences. You could say the hard drive is full. I can vividly remember dozens of wild camping spots in Namiba, Zambia, Zimbabwe and Mozambique but have to have a good think of where I slept the previous evening, often it takes me a while to even remember if I slept in a hotel or my tent the previous evening. I regularly get random flashback images of people, places and conversation, as if these things still haven’t been processed.

Since leaving Mozambique I’ve rarely had a wow moment, I’m desensitized to scenery, and less interested in interacting with locals than I would like to be, too often now I’m suspicious of people starting conversations with me, wondering what they want from me. Often I just take photos for my blog and rarely bother to film now.

I love Africa and don’t want to end up hating it just because I’m tired.

The truth

In Songea I hit the wall, and really was ready to throw in the towel. But that’s not the way I want to finish in Africa, burned out and tired, it would be such a waste of an awesome trip to finish like that.

From Songea I had the option to take the tar road North and pick up the main road to Dar es Salaam, this would of been an easier option but not what I wanted. The only thing to do when you hit the wall is to get over, under or around it whichever way you can and not take the easy way and get stuck behind it. After Songea I was lucky to be confronted with a terrible road and nice views and the opportunity to wild camp almost every evening, I felt back in my element and the wall became a distant memory.

Watching the sunset over Africa with a cup of coffee and a camp fire was just what I needed to restore my faith but also reminded me what cycle touring is all about for me. I need a challenge, wilderness, bush camping and every couple of days some cold beers and a good meal(which I’m struggling to find now).

I could list dozens of reasons(excuses) why I wouldn’t want to continue to the West coast of Africa now and continue my journey as planned. But, the truth is I just don’t have the energy to continue for another 18 months in Africa travelling my way and to get the most out of it. Africa is becoming tedious, almost boring for me and that’s not how I want to remember this wonderful continent.

Yup it’s as cliché as it gets but this trip was never about a destination but the journey. Close friends know I always said I was just going to cycle around in Africa until I got bored or that it would come it its own natural end rather than when I got to a fixed destination in Europe. This never was an A to B trip.

It would be too easy to make the same mistakes that dozens of my predecessor have made, on long round the world cycle trips or cross continent tours. Too easy just to keep plodding on for the sake of saving face and sticking to a big plan conceived over a few beers while pissed off with work and a mundane life. Too easy to feel a little pressure to continue because of a public profile ( maybe the downside of social media and blogging?). Too easy to just quit and go home.

The truth is I’m obviously not made for a multi-year trip like my friends Pete Gostelow , Eleanor Moseman and Helen Lloyd and all those others who cycle around the world for years. That’s fine, luckily we are all different, I have the balls to accept to myself who and what I am. I’ve overcome The wall but also learned my lesson and can make a plan to continue to get the most out of my chosen life style. I now know what I want from cycle touring and adventure and will make more conscious choices in the future. This trip now lacks the sexy “cross continent” or “Cape town to London” name but who cares, I’ve had a blast.

Congratulations if you’re still reading, this really has become a long one……

The Future

Like I said it would be too easy to quit and go home, but my time in Africa is coming to its logical end. I’ll take some time off here in Tanzania and assume this rest and a visit from my best friend will recharge me enough to continue through Tanzania (probably cycling the Masai Steppe and around Kilimanjaro) then some time in Kenya before heading back to Europe around Christmas. I’d briefly considered a sprint through Sudan and Egypt to Cairo but then I’d be falling into the same trap I’m trying to avoid and going for a tick in the box (and probably spend more time in police trucks through bandit country than cycling…..).

I hope to finish still loving Africa rather than burned out so that one day I can return bright eyed and refreshed to enjoy a 6-12 month tour of the West coast, I really see that as unfinished business. I’ve already started making plans for my next trip, planning and dreaming up new things has given me a new burst of energy.

I’m planning/ hoping to go back to work around Easter to earn some more freedom credits, keeping my qualifications valid and therefore improving my between trip employability, and can continue to enjoy my position of Aircraft ground Engineer rather than taking a step back. I have several idea’s bouncing around in my head of mini adventures before spring in Europe and big plans for next winter and beyond.

For the coming years I hope to find a balance between seasonal work in Europe and big adventures during the winter, I can think up dozens of 3-6 months trips for the future. Life is just too short to get stuck in one big trip just for a tick in the box or to save face.

Over but not out

So that’s that, Shane Cycles Africa part one is coming to its end. I’ll still continue to blog about my impressions in Tanzania and Kenya and after the trip will publish some more in depth gear reviews as well as country info for other cyclists. I also plan to write a short e-book of short stories from the road, some of which will be my better blog posts, many will be previously unpublished stories and including a tips for other cyclists section. Stay tuned for info and maybe a new blog page for up and coming trips….

Thanks

Thanks to everyone who as showed an interest in my trip to date and future trips. A big thanks to my friends, e-friends and mentors in helping me make the tough but right decision in recent weeks.

And that’s all I have to say on that….